Listen!

When someone is listening to you, what happens to your emotions?

Listening is the one thing that anyone can do at anytime that will not piss anyone off. Listening is the one thing that anyone can do no matter how ill, broken, or physically handicapped (with the one exception of physical deafness...and even they 'listen' when others speak their language). Listening is the one thing that we desire most in friendships and love relationships. Listening is one thing that 90% of people suck at, and nobody wants to admit that.

Think about the times that you knew you were not being heard--do you ever want to make someone else feel like that? But I bet you have and you do and you will...unless you begin to pay attention to where your attention is when you are supposed to be listening.

Check it out: When you are having a conversation with someone, are you listening to what they are saying, or are you thinking about what you will say next? Do you let them finish their sentences, or do you interrupt? Do you look at them, or do you allow your eyes to wander off? (Even in cultures where eye contact is not courteous, there's a perceptible inward lean when someone is listening).

If you are in an audience, and someone is addressing the crowd, do you keep your focus on that person, or do you find yourself drawn away by the interesting behavior of the crowd? Do you find yourself daydreaming, mentally criticizing the information being presented, or making notice of the speaker's appearance? (Someone spent time and energy, perhaps even pre-writing presentations or gaining a special skill, to earn the chance to address this crowd, right?)

If you are not listening to whoever is talking, it doesn't matter what they are saying, your response is the same: that person, and what they have to say, is not important.

Think about that-- "You are not important."

We say more with our body language and behavior than our words can ever portray. When you listen to someone, and they see that you are listening, they will open up even more. You will get more information. Your questions will be answered, your concerns addressed, if you are just patient enough to what is being said. You don't HAVE to say anything with your mouth, if your behavior says what you want it to say.

If you are listening, you know when it is your turn to talk, and when the other person will be open to hearing your ideas. You can insist that you be allowed to finish your point, but only if you have allowed the other person to do so first.

Listening is a skill. It is more than just hearing the words; intonation and inflection are very important as well. Raised pitch can tell you how upset someone is. Lowered pitch can tell you how serious. (Tip to Tantra students: Check your voice pitch against your chakra behavior during times of high energy/emotion...another fun experiment.)

If you can't train yourself to listen, then try peppering your responses with a few of these:

"Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt. Go on."
"So you were saying something...?"
"I have a great idea...don't let me forget, but finish what you were saying."
"Hey, something else is drawing my attention...can we finish this later?"

You'll catch yourself more and more...and eventually find you are communicating better and better.

Have a great new gregorian calendar year, everyone...:-)