"Just" and "Only"

When someone says you have hurt them, ask one question, then shut the fuck up. Do not apologize immediately, simply say "How?" And then listen.

Someone with hurt feelings doesn't give a shit about your apology...yet. Just as a bleeding cut needs oxygen to clot, hurt feelings need to air to feel better. He or she needs to vent. He or she needs to know that someone is listening. He or she needs to rip into you. And if you sincerely are apologetic about it, you'll let that happen.

And THEN apologize.

Example: Someone steps on your toes as they get into an crowded elevator. You say "ow!" Toe-stepper says "I was just trying to find a place to stand." This translates into: I was just trying to take care of my own needs. That statement is not about YOU at all! It's all about him. You still have him standing on your toe, you're still saying "ow." And you still have to tell him to get off your fucking foot.

So when the shoe is on the other foot, and you are the Toe-stepper, and someone says "ow!" You can ask "How did I hurt you?" They will say "Get off my fucking foot, you idiot!" And then you do, and then apologize, and the energy exchange is over.

In an emotional transaction, it goes like this: I say something you perceive as negative, say a comment about people from your home town. Your feelings are hurt. You spout off, call me a bitch, whatever. This is my signal that your feelings were hurt. So, instead of defending my statement, instead of taking your anger personally, I ask "What did I do to piss you off?" You then tell me that you are from that town, you are proud of your town, and I don't know what the fuck I"m talking about. At this point I have learned two things: #1, which places that you value, and #2, my conclusions about your town are erroneous. If I have learned these things, why should I have to defend my statement at all? It was obviously false. Actually, I should thank you!

Or perhaps we argue over some fact, like the value of pi or the circumference of the earth. You say X and I say Y. I know deep in my heart that I am correct, but the more I insist, the more pissed off you get. Finally, you are yelling at me. This is my signal that I hurt your feelings. At this point, I could just drop it, call you an idiot, and leave you there, misguided and pissed off. Or I can say "What about this argument is making you so angry?" And you'll say "Because you're wrong, and you're stupid, and I can prove you're wrong!" At this point, allow the proof to be brought forth. Be gracious about it's presentation.

When someone says "I was just...." or "I was only..." to explain their behavior, they are not talking about anyone but themselves. It's an excuse, a way to duck blame for thoughtlessness. It is not Just. It is Only...about them. Never confront a person who is angry at you with the word, "But I was just..." It's not about you, is it?